i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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