If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
