I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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