I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
