hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i used baking grease as lip gloss
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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