my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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