You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize