I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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