It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
