I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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