I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
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