do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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