Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
