i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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