How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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