Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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