she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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