I puked a lego.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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