this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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