What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
