She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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