he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
