I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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