Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
