So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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