and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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