So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
