i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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