Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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