Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
