direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
