woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I want to be your penis for a week.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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