please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
