Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
