:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
