I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
