Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
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