Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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