you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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