Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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