If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
