Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i will never coherently bang her
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
