I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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