Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize