my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
