Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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