Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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