How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
