i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize