I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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