end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
