I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
