It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
