genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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