Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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