im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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