Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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