I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
