My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
