you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just found a bag of teeth...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
