look no pants
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
When are your genitals available?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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