I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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