sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
